DVD Review: EVIL THINGS (2009)

EVIL THINGS (2009)

Label: Inception Media Group
Release Date: August 9th 2011
Rating: R
Duration: 86 mins
Video: 1.78:1 Widescreen 16x9
Audio: Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround
Director: Dominic Perez
Cast: Leanne Melissa Bishop, Gail Cadden, Laurel Casillo
Tagline: If You Think You’re Alone … Think Again!


Synopsis: Five college friends plan a road trip to celebrate Miriam’s 21st birthday during a snowy weekend out of the city at a beautiful, remotely located country home. In the mood to party, Cassy, Mark, Tanya and Leo bring the beer, as well as aspiring filmmaker Leo’s new video camera. But excitement soon turns to panic and 48 hours later, they’ve all vanished, leaving investigators without a single clue … until now. What Leo captured on video is no tranquil getaway but a sinister and nightmarish descent into terror.

Film: There's definitely no shortage of "found" or "lost footage" films in the market these days, and here's yet another one for the collection. When done right it can be scary shit indeed. One needs only to check out THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, [REC.] and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY to see it's success, it seems tailor made for young aspiring filmmakers to make their mark on the cheap. That said, when it's done poorly, like say THE FOURTH KIND, it can be disastrously, laughably bad, so let's see how's EVIL THINGS stacks up.

When five friends from New York City head out to a a relatives summer home in the rural Catskills area to celebrate their friend Miriam's (Elyssa Mersdorf) 21st birthday things get weird right from the start. En route they encounter a van that tailgates them, honks the horn, flashes high beams, passes them and then slams on the breaks nearly causing an accident. Eventually the van speeds off but it later appears at a gas station and then later still at a restaurant the group stops off at. One of the group, Mark (Morgan Hooper), attempt to interact with the unseen driver outside the eatery but he again speeds off. The group continue onto their destination, shaken, but they arrive safely and settle in for some drinks and birthday party shenanigans.

The next day they go for a hike in the woods and like city folk do, they find themselves hopelessly lost, which is strange to me, the ground is covered in snow, why they couldn't follow their footprints back to the house kind of irked me. It just seemed to be an opportunity for some BLAIR WITCH styled lost-in-the-woods shenanigans for no real reason with no payoff. They start playing the blame game, tempers flare, nerves begin to fray and not helping matters are some strange noises that freak everyone out. It's well past nightfall when they make their way back to the house, they're cold, scared, and a bit angry with each other but otherwise unharmed. That night while drinking and joking, putting the woodland trek behind them,  they receive a series of hang-up phone calls and then there's a knock at the door, but when they answer it there is no one there, only a package on the doorstep. Inside is a VHS cassette, they're curiosity peaked they slip it in the VCR and it becomes immediately apparent that not only had the driver of the van been videotaping them en route but has apparently been outside the house taping them the entire time. Worse still, he's gained entrance to the house and has recorded them in their sleep, just a few inches from them in the dark.

From here the shit hits the fan when the power goes out and the land line goes dead, the film's slow start begins to payoff as things spiral quickly out of control. It's chaos, everyone is running frantic in the dark, barricading themselves as the killer stalks them leading to the film's grim conclusion. Not a perfect film but here's what I liked about it; the winter setting, there are just not enough snowbound horror films. The kids are a fun bunch, a bit snotty but I actually liked 'em and the dialogue sounded authentic, not that I'm super-keen on what 20-somethings New Yorkers are espousing these days, but it's eye rolling. Towards the end there's a shift in POV from the Leo's camera to the killer's night vision enabled gear with a finale that reminded me a bit of Agent Starling stumbling blindly through the dark of Buffalo Bill's basement from THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. There's also a weird bit I liked at the end when we see the killer's editing bay as he assembles the footage together, so maybe he's the one who added the filmscore. Honestly, there's not a lot I didn't care for, other than it's a bit derivative and there's absolutely no gore, this is a bloodless film. 

It's weird with found footage films, in reality it would be a bit dull wouldn't it? Watching someones home videos, nothing much interesting would happen until the end, right, if at all? By it's nature it would be an incomplete, hard to follow narrative, and in all likelihood no one is hanging onto that damn camera for the duration of what transpires, that would never happen but you just kinda have to go just with it. With horror films in general there's the need to get-rid of the phones early on but with found footage films you have to traverse that and then make us believe that someones dumb enough to film their own demise with a camera with a never-ending battery life. In this instance it's Leo (Ryan Masily) a wanna-be filmmaker intent on capturing the entire trip on film and the phones (of course) can't get a reliable signal, where's the "can you hear me now?" guy when you need him, right?

Not a film that screams originality but a good low-budget riff on a somewhat tired style of filmmaking. As a debut film I think Domonic Perez has a decent found footage film on his hands and I'd like to see what he could do with a more traditional narrative film. Also, a good cast of actors anchored by the stand-out performance from final girl Laurel Casillo as Cassy, she could be one to watch. Perhaps I could just relate to her because she's the spitting image of a woman named Misha from my work, it's seriously uncanny. Overall, a good watch but not one with a ton of rewatch value for me.

DVD: The screener from Inception Media Group is 16x9 enhanced 1.78:1 widescreen with 2.0 stereo audio. The screener is not representative of the final DVD as it's interlaced with a watermark and the sell sheet indicates a Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound mix, so I would expect better of the final disc. The screener also contained a trailer for the film.

Verdict: EVIL THINGS is not redefining the found footage genre but it's a good riff on it with some nice cabin-in-the-woods elements and it's fair share of genuinely tense and creepy moments. It's not a stand-out stunner but definitely worth a rental. 2.5 outta 5  
 

www.evilthingsmovie.com/

'3 SLICES OF LIFE' creators stir-up a Satanic Panic with 'LEWIS'

I had the opportunity to checkout a sneak peek of the short film LEWIS this weekend, it's a fun throwback to the Satanic Panic films of the 1970's and should appeal to fans of 70's occult cinema and Ti West's THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL. The film comes from the filmmakers behind 3 SLICES OF LIFE and will be part of the PSYCHO STREET horror anthology. The short is a co-production between TinyCore Pictures and Musclewolf Productions and is directed by Anthony G. Sumner (SLICES OF LIFE, GALLERY OF FEAR) and stars Deneen Melody (SONG OF THE SHATTERED), Jerry Murdock (I'LL BURY YOU TOMORROW) and Susan Adriensen (UNDER THE RAVEN'S WING). 

When Amanda (Deneen Melody) and her young daughter Aubrey (Taylor Metzger) return to the site of a traumatic childhood event, the small village of Kronanburg, things start off odd and quickly descend into an unimaginable nightmare. Between Aubrey's imaginary friend, Amanda's frightening visions and the peculiar small town folk something is definitely rotten in Kronanburg, but will Amanda discover the terrible truth before it's too late for her daughter and her? That's the premise, it's succinctly simple and pretty awesome.

LEWIS is an artful throwback to the Satanic Panic drive-in flicks of the 70's and really captures the period aesthetic, throws in some disturbing erotica, occult and Cthulu elements, and by the end of the film I was left wanting more but in a good way. The film looks great, and the cinematography really evokes the period, the tone is perfect and the effects are of the gloriously old school practical variety, good bloody stuff. There's nothing I did not love about this flick, right down to that fantastically retro-styled poster.

Not sure when the film will be coming to DVD but it's gonna be travelling the film festival circuit this fall so grab a viewing if you can. There's been a few awesome indie-anthologies in recent years, 3 SLICES OF LIFE and DRIVE-IN HORROSHOW come immediately to mind, and if LEWIS is an indication of what to expect from the remainder of PSYCHO STREET you're not gonna want to miss this one. Check out the trailer and go to the site for more information.

http://www.myfriendlewis.com/

The PSYCHO STREET horror anthology consists of four frightening tales that feature the talents of actors Raine Brown (PSYCHO HOLOCAUST), Tiffany Shepis (THE FRANKENSTEIN SYNDROME ) and Deneen Melody (3 SLICES OF LIFE) among others. The film will premiere this week at Fright Night Film fest in Louisville KY on July 22nd. No DVD release date is available at this time.

COME ON DOWN
Directors: Arthur Cullipher, Patrick Desmond
Cast: Tiffany Shepis (FRANKENSTEIN SYNDROME), Raine Brown, Jared Degado, Austin Dossey.

HYPOCHONDRIAC

Director: Pete Jacelone

Cast: Marv Blauvelt, Raine Brown, Alan Rowe Kelly, Carl Burrows.


NO REST FOR THE WICKED 
Directors: Raine Brown and Jeremiah Kipp
Cast: Raine Brown, Matthew Bonacci, Joe Zasoand Harry Dugan.

LEWIS
Directors: Anthony G. Sumner
Cast: Deneen Melody, Jerry Murdock, Susan Adriensen, Nick Morano.

DVD Review: PSYCHO HOLOCAUST (2009)

PSYCHO HOLOCAUST (2009)

Label: Independent Entertainment
Region: Region 1 NTSC
Rating: Unrated
Duration: 90 mins
Video: 1.78:1 Widescreen 16x9 Enhanced
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo
Director: Krist Rufty
Cast: Trent Haaga, Raine Brown, Billy Garberina, Vanelle, Don Prentiss
Tagline: Six innocent people… Three brutal killers… One night of mayhem and madness you will never forget.
 

Synopsis: Eager for one final vacation before their lives change forever, six friends embark upon a camping trip to a remote mountainous area. By nightfall, their lives WILL change forever...in ways too horrific to imagine. For in the shadows awaits a pack of the most evil, vicious rejects of humanity, addicted to violence and thirsty for blood! This is Psycho Holocaust…
 

Six friends cram into a van and head out to a remote cabin near a place called Whisper Lake for a weekend of fun. It's their one last hurrah before one of 'em squirts out a kid and life as she knows it ceases to exist, because that's what happens when you have kids, unless your Casey Anthony. Anyway ...you know they're fucked, right? No one goes to a cabin in the woods without some rape, torture and/or death, not since like 1974, and this film ain't gonna be any different.

Unfortunately for them there's not just one lunatic stalking them but three psychotic Iraqi War veterans prowling the woods with dismemberment on their minds. Since returning from the war these grunts haven't been right in the head, unable to curb their bloodlust they've taken to raping, torturing and dismembering visitors to their woodland killing grounds. We've got the smart(er) one, the leader of the group, Buddy (Trent Hagga, EASTER BUNNY, KILL! KILL!), the rape-y loose cannon Carp (Don Prentiss, DOOMED TO CONSUME) and the chainsaw wielding, hulking-masked mute Pillow Face (Ash Bowen), think Leatherface meets a pre-hockey mask Jason Vorhees.

As with a number of micro-budget flicks it's a bit hamstrung by amateurish performances, though Troma alumnus Trent Hagga turns in a decently demented performance as does Raine Brown (BARRICADE), the blood-spattered final girl. Up front I'll say the victims aren't particularly interesting or sympathetic, the scripting is a bit weak and the film more or less devolves into a series of brutal sadistic killings, which is fine by me, I dig it but this ain't gonna be a strain on the brain.
 

While the story borrows heavily from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE playbook and the acting is pretty weak sauce the violence is unflinching. There can be little doubt that if you crave gore, pain and sadistic violence this delivers with shot after shot of practical gore effects. There's a LOT of suffering going on here; a scalping, some dismemberment, bloody lashings with a cat o' none tails, gut spilling, chainsaw carnage and the crescendo is a depraved anal rape performed with a strap-on handsaw, a nod to SE7EN and DELIVERANCE, that's just beyond sick. The tone of the film is super grim, it's not trying to be funny, so if you require some modicum of humor with your violence this one ain't for you.

Worthy of mentioning is the awesome GOBLIN-inspired filmscore from the GIALLOS FLAME, great tunes pretty obviously influenced by the iconic Goblin scores from Argento's classic Italian films. Apparently they also scored the awesome EASTER BUNNY, KILL! KILL!, yet another reason to rewatch that one.
 

PSYCHO HOLOCAUST is a rough looking film hastily shot in six days, director Krist Rufty makes the most of what he had available to him, and that's not a lot, but what he was able to get on film is quite entertaining with a few nice flourishes. My hat is off to the special effects team on the film, there's some great low-budget gore effects and while the film's made-in-the-backyard aesthetic may not have broad appeal it's worth a watch for the indie gore hounds. One last note, the Godfather of Gore himself, Herschell Gordon Lewis makes a vocal only appearance as a radio broadcaster, very cool. 

DVD: Independent Entertainment's DVD of PSYCHO HOLOCAUST is 16x9 enhanced 1.85:1 widescreen in Dolby Digital stereo with no subtitle options. Visually the film looks pretty poor, the colors are washed out, the whites are a bit hot and image is interlaced with occasional combing issues. The stereo audio is decent but drops out a few times, the aforementioned score from the GIALLOS FLAME SOUNDS pretty good.
 

The disc is well-stocked with bonus content beginning with an informative commentary, a behind-the-scenes featurette with special effects make-up guy Hank Carlson at the make-shift S/FX studio where we see the creation of several of the gore gags in the film as well as get some background for the "pillow face" character as a disfigured Desert Storm POW. 'Making Cheesy movies in Wisconsin' features interviews with cast and crew, 'At Home with Billy Gaberina' a goofy 15mins of the actor at home in bed with sickness as he talks about the film, there's a few outtakes and a collection of trailers. A nice selection of features that give some nice insights about making a no-budget feature film.

Special Features:
- Commentary
- Behind-the-Scenes (15:08) 4:3
- Making Cheesy movies in Wisconsin (24:37) 4:3
- On Set Interviews (30:35) 4:3
- At Home with Billy Gaberina (14:48) 4:3
- Outtakes (8:00) 16:9
- Independent Entertainment Trailers: DEFILED (:59), DIARY OF A SEX OFFENDER (1:32), FACES OF SCHLOCK (:56), RED RIVER (1:43)

Verdict: PSYCHO HOLOCAUSTis not a great film by any stretch of the imagination, it's super-derivative, but if you're looking for a gore-heavy indie flick that riffs heavily on THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT and DELIVERANCE there's gonna be a lot to enjoy here. 2.5 outta 5

http://www.alternativecinema.com/

DVD Review: RED RIVER (2010)

RED RIVER (2010)

Label: Bloody Earth Films

Rating: Unrated
Duration: 77mins
Video:1.85:1 Letterboxed Widescreen
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo
Director: Jacob Ennis
Cast: Megan Marie Wilson, Ronica Jones, Dustin Roe, Jason Crowe
Tagline:The Lucky Ones Will Die

Director Jacob Ennis's backwoods slasher RED RIVER is set in rural Kentucky and opens with two Kentucky State Park Rangers on patrol who discover possible human skeletal remains near the dilapidated Thatcher house. They search the property and discover some odd skeletal art and some apparently human eyeballs in a canning jar. That's pretty alarming on it's own but it's when they discover a woman held captive in a cage, a deformed freak on a chain, and encounter old man Thatcher (Dave Haney) that the shit really hits the fan. Thatcher's one of those buttoned-down weirdos, whom by day is a snake-handling Christian, a respected member of the community and a successful small business owner who turns a tidy profit selling homemade fertilizer with one very special  ingredient, wanna guess what it is? Roland feeds the scraps of his victims to his cannibal-freak son Hamburger Head (Jason Crowe) whom he keeps in the basement chained to a dog house. Thatcher is quite the character, true to his twisted religious beliefs he performs a baptism of sorts upon his victims. It's bizarre stuff as he quips religion with the assistance of a mechanical larynx, apparently having lost the use of his own vocal chords.
 

When a group of teens from the city set up camp on the fringes of his property for a wild weekend of smokin' weed and skinny dippin' you know it won't be long before Roland takes 'em out. Once the campfire stories are told, the marshmallows are toasted and the titties come out to play (the first of many) Roland wastes little time stalking and dispatching the stoners in a series of satisfyingly grisly kills. The deaths are top-notch and there's a little bit of everything here for the gore enthusiast including a new one on me; a rotor-tiller kill, which was pretty sweet. RED RIVER packs quite a punch for a micro-budgeted gore-flick. It's knee-deep in viscera and splattered in blood, very gruesome stuff and it was great to see the use of practical gore effects instead of relying on lame CGI, fun stuff.

The art design here is pretty great, too. Ennis wisely chose to use existing rustic dwellings and it pays off big from a production values standpoint, giving the film a look beyond it's meager budget. Story wise it's a pretty classic backwoods slasher we've seen countless times, hapless city folk venture into the wilderness and incur the wrath of the scary rural folk, it's borrows from THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1977), WRONG TURN (2003), THE HILLS HAVE EYE (1977), and even THE UNSEEN (1980). The acting is amateur but the characters are fun stereotypes. Haney's portrayal of Thatcher is perhaps a tad bit over the top, but it's fun. I felt some of the humor is a bit much (Ranger Ennis) but it's not what I would classify as a comedy-horror, it's pretty straight-faced with some humorous elements.
 

DVD: The film is presented in interlaced 1.85:1 non-anamorphic widescreen with no subtitle options. It's a good looking film, shot on the cheap but well shot. Colors are good, detail and black levels are decent but there is noticeable combing effects throughout. The fidelity of the stereo audio is likewise decent though the mechanical larynx is a bit hard to decipher at times. The DVD is crammed with sweet supplementals beginning with an informative behind-the-scenes doc chronicling the making of the film from script, special effects, locations, and on through to the finish. The 'Creating a Monster'  featurette documents the creation of Hamburger Head make-up from pouring the mold to a cool  time lapse of the actual sculpting of the features. The 'Deleted Scenes'  flesh out a few scenes but were rightfully excised and 'Video Blog: On Location' is video footage from location scouting trips, no dialogue, just video and fourscore. Rounding out the features is 'Bloody Earth Film's Trailer Vault' featuring 6 films trailer including Jacob Ennis's previous film STASH.

Special Features:
- Creating a Monster (9:19) Letterboxed
- Video Blog - On Location (8:00) Letterboxed
- Deleted Scenes (4:08) Letterboxed
- The River Runs Red: The Making of Red River (36:26) Letterboxed
- Bloody Earth Film's Trailer Vault: A FEAST OF FLESH (1:12), AMERICAN PUNKS (1:49), BLOOD AND SEX NIGHTMARE (1:08), SHOCK FESTIVAL (0:46), STASH (1:58)


Verdict: One of the bloodiest shot-on-video entries I've seen in a while. RED RIVER is a classic backwoods slasher with just enough new elements to keep it from becoming a tired genre rehash. At just 77 mins it's all killer and no filler, steeped in gore and loaded with nudity, this one is sure to please horror fans. 3.5 outta 5

MENU SCREEN CAPS

 

DVD Review: Skin Eating Jungle Vampires (2011)

I am very pleased to put up the first in a series of guest DVD reviews from none other than Christopher Kahler of THE 42 STREET DRIVE-IN podcast. I would hope your familiar with the podcast, it's definitely one of the most entertaining cult and exploitation podcast going right now, and that's a fact. The show is hosted by Chris and Shawn Hunt with a steady parade of awesome guest hosts that have included repeat appearances from Vaughn from MOTION PICTURE MASSACRE, Patrick from SCREAM QUEENZ, and El Goro from TALK WITHOUT RHYTHM among others. Their recent 10th episode was a bonus sized Dusk Til Dawn show covering Amando de Ossorio's  BLIND DEAD movie series. So check out the podcast, subscribe through iTunes and enjoy the review: http://www.wix.com/42ndstdrivein/the-42nd-street-drive-in

 SKIN EATING JUNGLE VAMPIRES (2011)

Label: Chemical Burn Entertainment
Region Code: 1 NTSC
Rating: Not Rated
Duration: 80 mins
Video: 1.33:1Fullframe
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo
Director: Timothy Green Beckley
Cast: Carla Anderson, Violet Sweet, Persephone, Jenifer D. Jackson, Linda Martinez, Soozee, and Mellissa
Tagline: First Class Exploitation Film in Every Bite

There are good movies, bad movies, and then there are the "so-bad-it's-good" movies whose guilty pleasure viewing over a beer on a Friday night is a class all it's own. Something titled 'Skin Eating Jungle Vampires' screams that kind of weekend entertainment to me and I was looking forward to this review. Unfortunately, after viewing it, a new category of "why was this even made and released ?" came to mind.

The majority of this movie is compiled from 4 different sources: 1) Someone's house and backyard where the "jungle vampire" scenes take place 2) The lead actress's vacation footage from Costa Rica 3) Wild life footage from a National Geographic type series 4) Still photos of outer space where a plastic toy UFO is moved across to show interstellar space travel (I am not making this up). If any 2 of these worked together at any time, the movie might've been a bit of fun, but it felt like I was watching 4 bad movies consecutively.

The movie opens with a series of beautiful footage of Costa Rica and it's wildlife. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to their layout since some shots are at sundown while others are midday. The only thing certain is this footage was pulled from a VHS tape because the tracking static on the bottom of the screen. Suddenly a Betty Page looking girl stumbles out through the plant life that looks nothing like any of the Costa Rica vegetation. (I should also point out this footage has a particular blur along the screen edges common from zooming in while using a wide angle lens and is going to be the plot footage that was actually shot to tie the movie together). The girl has some plastic toy she dials and is immediately set upon by a pack of 5 savage women (all of whom look like they are from a local burlesque show by their outfits, haircuts, tattoos, etc). They attack her by pinning her down, spanking her, and generally pawing at her. It sounds sexy, doesn't it ? It's not. The attackers are dubbed in with lion growls, take turns mugging for the camera, and unintentionally giggle before carrying away their "victim".

The title sequence explains that Mr. Creepo and his band of women had to escape their doomed planet of Clitoria (complete with a plastic toy UFO !) and they crashed into the jungles of earth where they became vampires. We're treated to some of the women rubbing blood on each other and rehashed footage of them mugging for the camera with added video fx straight out of an 80's music video.


Next is 2 of the most painful minutes of improv to suddenly explain the entire plot of any movie. A blond woman (Carla) explains to a friend that her sister Tiffany (the Bettie Page girl) had a stalker, is now missing in Costa Rica, they have a psychic bond, they have matching tattoos, her mother's maid is Costa Rican, the maid's friend there is a shaman, she got some weird mask art from Costa Rica, and her plane leaves tomorrow to find Tiffany. I apologize for the bad run on sentence structure, but it still flowed better than the actual dialogue. Carla now sleeps on the plane where we see flashback footage of her and Tiffany comparing their tattoos.

We are now in beautiful Costa Rica where most of the footage actually shot there has a dark curve around the corners from an inexpensive wide angle lens. Carla gets a mysterious note explaining there is danger so she takes a dip in the pool, frolics along the beach, enjoys the view, and sunbathes. Most people would consider this vacation footage, but that is not the case here (supposedly) as Carla's voice over narration explains her thoughts and this is all done while looking for Tiffany. Oddly, Tiffany's inner thoughts sound like they were recorded on an answering machine from a missed telephone call.

There is a lot of driving footage filler to establish her in Costa Rica (which is broken up with a flashback of her sister in a cheerleader uniform sans bra) before she ascends a hill in the jungle. The next shot, she walks up to a house that is quite obviously where the stateside footage was done (thanks to the recycling bins in the yard). This is the shaman's home because a sign that says "shaman" is hanging on the wall. Another of the burlesque women answers wearing a Xena costume and another painful scene of improv ensues.

Meanwhile, back at the volcano where Tiffany is being held captive, the vampire queen roughs her up, then communicates to her via telepathy (and bad dubbing) that she will be a sacrifice. Carla has some drinks back at her hotel, Mr Creepo sneaks into her room to put an obviously fake snake in her bed, and the next day it's a lot more of the same driving/ vacation/ answering machine voice over nonsense for the next 40 minutes. A few National Geographic wildlife shots or the "vampires" are inserted to attempt to break up the monotony to no avail.

Carla manages to get to the volcano and is captured as well. The Clitorians force her into some sort of bloody incestuous get together with Tiffany and Mr Creepo arrives to announce telepathically that he is the God of The Underworld, Lord of Darkness, Last of The Males from The Planet Clitoria, etc, etc, ad nauseum and will choose one of the sisters to be his bride. Why he doesn't repopulate with any of the Clitorian women isn't explained and thinking it would be was wishful thinking on my part since nothing in this movie makes sense (ie "why am I still watching this ?"). He chooses both and a floating Mexican Dias de Los Muertos mask appears to announces more nonsense about sacrificing the 2 virgins to put their plan into effect. The sisters break out into laughter since neither are virgins. The volcano erupts, the sisters escape, and Mr Creepo's UFO flies past some outer space stills. The End. Seriously. That was the whole damn movie.


DVD Special Features:

Behind The Scenes Outtakes - Mostly footage of the Clitorians women that was a lot more fun than the actual movie itself.

Blood, Blood, and More Blood! - A trailer reel of Mr Creepo has lot of shots of naked women covered in blood with outlandish movie titles. This ends with 2 women taking a shower together while squirting a blood on each other from a hospital IV bag.

Verdict: I'll be honest - this movie is a disaster on every level and I won't recommend it. Had 'Skin Eating Jungle Vampires' stuck with the Clitorians and National Geographic footage, it would likely pass as some hokey fun I'd expect from the title. Even the cheesy David 'The Rock' Nelson like UFO sequences would be tolerable at that rate. However, I got no joy from watching the mass amount of badly shot vacation footage and using it with slapped on voice overs to try to convince me this was the actual movie is just an insult. I know this was done to try to add some production value, but it was all just padding that made an already bad movie completely unwatchable. Why this movie got a re-release after it's initial 2001 run is beyond me. 0 of 5 stars

http://www.chemicalburn.org/sexploitation.html

DVD Review: THINGS (1989)

THINGS (1989)

Label: Intervision Picture Corp

Release Date: July 12th 2011

Region Code: Region 0 NTSC

Rating: Unrated

Duration: 85 mins

Video: 1.33:1 Fullframe

Audio: Dolby Digital Mono 2.0

Director: Andrew Jordan

Cast: Barry J. Gillis, Amber Lynn, Bruce Roach, Doug Bunston

Tagline: Things, a Movie that Defines What Cult Really is...

That must be some strong weed up in Canada and it must have been particularly potent in the late 1980's when director Andrew Jordan and writer/actor Barry J. Gillis got together and filmed the shot-on-Super 8mm horror flick THINGS. This film is the kind of mind-numbing epic that stoner gore-hounds dream up while smokin' weed, eatin' shrooms and drinkin' some Molsens after watching Sam Raimi's EVIL DEAD (1981) at 2am on a Saturday night. Most metalheads would likely forget these nutty bong dreams by the crack of dawn but not these two, no way, instead they created Canada's first SOV horror film, and were still gawking at it 22 years later in bewildering awe.

This nightmarish slice of Canuxploitation begins with, what else, a nightmare as dreamt by Doug (Doug Bunston) involving a naked woman wearing a devil's mask whom he asks to bare his child. She then offers him a bassinet with a hideous creature inside and he awakens screaming. Turns out Doug and his wife Susan (Patricia Sadler) are having difficulty conceiving a child to the point that they submit to the strange experimentation of Dr. Lucas. The procedure is a success and his wife is now pregnant with child though bed ridden with a debilitating sickness, the stress is getting to the father to be, thus the aforementioned child birthing nightmares. Now we're introduced to two Canadian hosers, Doug's brother Don (Barry J. Gillis, WICKED WORLD) and his beardy friend Fred (Bruce Roach, SPIRIT OF THE SEASON) whom arrive at Doug's secluded house for some brewskies. Doug doesn't answer the door so the two let themselves in and dig into some beers and eats from the fridge. Don discovers a book and a tape recorder in the freezer, yeah, you heard right - in the freezer. Don't ask why, just know that it's awesome. The book is a memoir of sorts by infamous occultist Aliester Crowley. As Don pages through the book he observes "oh, the diagrams are SO sick" which we of course never see. The recorder contains a cassette of weird low-end  chanting or incantations, Fred jokingly exclaims "turn it off, I think I'm being possessed, arrrggghhh", it's a clear reference to EVIL DEAD but it's quickly forgotten and never revisited. Doug comes outta nowhere and joins the dudes for some beers and cheese sandwiches. This is the major jumping off point in the film and I have a theory that either the American cheese slices or bread contained mold spores that drive the trio out of their minds (or maybe it's the insect they stuck in Don's sandwich, those bastards). Everything that happens from here I think could be attributed to a bad acid trip of hallucinatory insanity ending in one of them killing the others. I'm sure that's over thinking this film but see for yourself and let me know what you think.

Later that night Doug's ailing wife calls out in pain from the next room and Doug enters just as a toothy creature or "thing" crawls out of her abdomen, very much like ALIEN (1979), killing her. Doug's expressions and howls of pain during and after the birthing of the "thing" are unintentionally hilarious (par for the course so far), it's not helped by the poorly post-sync'd dialogue which really adds to the film's surrealistic disconnect. Soon more of these "things" appear and the family dog bites it in the shower, then Fred up and vanishes without a trace. Don suggests he's been whisked away to "the 3rd, 4th and 5th dimension" while Doug offers spontaneous combustion, or maybe he just couldn't get any more time off from work to film his scenes, who knows. The remaining two take on the insectoids armed with a flashlight, a mallet, chainsaw, a power drill and some seriously, awesomely bad dialogue and frightful acting. It's pure SOV insanity, it's all rather incomprehensible and felt to me like what watching a horror film through the eyes of someone with a diminished mental capacity might be like, it's weird and just don't make no sense.

There's also some intercut footage of porn star Amber Lynn (EVILS OF THE NIGHT) appearing as a TV news anchor reporting on copyright issues pertaining to George A. Romero's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968), a weird procedure involving Dr. Lucas's life-prolonging experiments and a missing person's case involving a Fred and Doug who may or may not be the film's protagonists. What passes as a TV newsroom in this film is pretty fantastic, quite a sight. Speaking of Dr. Lucas there's some odd cuts to his private practice where he busy ripping the eyes and tongues from patients, and amputating a hand with a paper-cutter, most of the film's gore comes from these brief sequences.

Not surprisingly the acting in the film is pretty  gawd awful, stilted, weirdly delivered, and again, not helped at all by the post-sync'd ADR or the just plain bad dialogue. You know there's a problem when the best performance comes from a fully clothed porn star. Barry J. Gillis's line delivery is awesome though, it's like Doug McKenzie's retarded brother, fun times. Visually the films is a surreal mess of fuzzy red and blue lighting, low-budget creepiness, and cheapie gore effects. The pacing is like a never ending nightmare. It has an that odd dream logic to it, not too dissimilar to SLEDGEHAMMER (1983), a fucked-up nightmare where you find yourself in a weird places but can't recall how you got there or what's the Hell is happening, it's very much like that. The film ends with a title card proclaiming "You Have Just Experienced THINGS.", indeed, you watched it, you can't unwatch it. Now go forth and infect others with the video-sickness that is THINGS.

One wonders how a film so stupefyingly bad got not just made by some Canadian stoners but at some point distributed on VHS and then 20+ years later gets a sweet DVD release stuffed with glorifying bonus content at a time when THE DECLINE OF THE WESTERN CIVILIZATION PART II: THE METAL YEARS (1988) is still not on DVD. Okay, maybe that's bad example, or perhaps not, these would make a complimentary double feature actually, but you know what I mean. Well, it's thanks to the outsider cinema saviors at Intervision Picture Corp. These cats brought forth SLEDGEHAMMER from the VHS collector's crypt to DVD and are doing it again with THINGS. This gives me hope that in twenty years time that Intervision or some other future Criterion level purveyor of schlock cinema will give Thomas Berdinski's THE ITALIAN ZOMBIE MOVIE a sweet HD release.

DVD: Intervision's presents the film in it's original 4x3 fullframe aspect ratio in Dolby Digital mono with no subtitles. It looks like a cheapie late-80's film shot on Super 8 under what could generously be described as poor shooting conditions, there's shit lighting, crap sound and a real point n' shoot approach to cinematography. It's looks pretty abysmal, very flat, but it's not too shabby when put up against some other SOV titles. The dialogue and effects are post-synced with tons of awesome foley sound effects, it sounds pretty terrible but I do actually enjoy the sound design of the film, it's eerily effective, rudimentary but effective.

Like Intervision's SLEDGEHAMMER DVD before it this slice of outsider cinema is given a deluxe set of extras that may outshine the feature film. I have Criterion Collection titles on my shelves with less supplemental materials than what's crammed onto this disc. Two commentaries, one a drunken and lively commentary from Director Andrew Jordan and Stars Barry J. Gillis, Jan W. Reed and Doug Burston in which it's revealed that the naked woman in the devil mask at the start of the film is a prostitute they hired. There's also a audio viewing party commentary from The Cinefamily crew, fun stuff with some great insights into the film and other SOV titles and occasionally just silence as they are dumbfounded by what transpires onscreen. Four testimonials of the film from Tobe Hooper (LIFEFORCE), Jason Eisner and Rob Cotterill (HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN) who film their segment in the corner of a kitchen (very appropriate) with some THINGS-esque red lighting, Cunuxploitation.com creator Paul Corupe, Thing-ite Joey Izzo and two dudes from Bleeding Skull with some fun THINGS worthy effects and audio effects. There's a 20th Anniversary Cast and Crew Reunion which was recorded on a public access channel TV show apparently, very odd. A behind-the-scenes featurette featuring footage of pornstar Amber Lynn doing her anchor woman character from the film as she suffers through technical issues while she talks about the director of THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, Fred Lincoln, in actuality it's Wes Craven. Lincoln actually plays "Weasel" in the film, and apparently was quite a prolific adult film director including a couple of FRIDAY THE 13th parodies, too. There's a collection of vintage TV appearances by Barry J. Gillis promoting the film on Canadian TV, at one point it is mentioned that the film cost $350,000 which made me choke on my beer a bit, in actuality I hear it's more around $30,000.  Also on the disc is the EVIL ISLAND investor reel made for $200 to attract investors that apparently never showed. The extras are finished off with some Intervision trailers including the forthcoming German SOV film THE BURNING MOON (1997) which looks splat-tastically brilliant, can't wait for that one.

Special Features:

- Audio Commentary with director Andrew Jordan and stars Barry J. Gillis, Jan W. Pachul, and Doug Bunston

- Audio Viewing Party with the Cinefamily

- Testinmonials on THINGS: interviews with

Tobe Hooper (3:36) 4:3

Jason Eisener and Rob Cotterill (5:19) 16x9

Canuxploitation.com creator Paul Corupe (6:39) 16x9

Bleeding Skull's Joseph A. Ziemba and Dun Budnik (2:15) 4x3

- THINGS-ite Joey Izzo (3:57) 4:3

- THINGS 20th Anniversary Cast and Crew Reunion (16:20) 4x3

- Behind the Scenes with Amber Lynn (10:36) 4x3

- Vintage Barry J. Gillis TV Appearances (5:47) 4x3

- THINGS trailer (2:57) 4x3

- EVIL ISLAND investor reel (2:06) 4x3

- Trailers for THE BURNING MOON (0:54), and THE SECRET LIFE OF JEFFREY DAHMER (4:00)

Verdict: Weird, fucked-up, and terrible but I say worth a watch - at least once. This was a chore to watch first time around but let me say, after watching the features I had a whole new appreciation for the film. That's what I love about the Intervision titles, they're not good films in the traditional sense, but they fall into that so-bad-it's-good category that's a whole other level of cinematic satisfaction. I can't tell you this belongs on your DVD shelf but if I came over to your house and saw Andrew Jordan's THINGS sitting there next to John Carpenter THE THINGS  I would definitely watch it with you and have a few beers and cheese sandwiches. It's a trash film, but y'know what, I once found a TDK recordable cassette with both ST. VITUS and PENTAGRAM's eponymous album's on it, it was in the trash outside my apartment and that shit was awesome. Up next from Intervision is the super-gore-tastic German SOV horror THE BURNING MOON and I can't wait. 
2 outta 5

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DVD Review: Machete Maidens Unleashed! (2010)

MACHETE MAIDENS UNLEASHED! (2010)
2 Disc Set DVD

Label: Umbrella Entertainment
Region Code: Region 0 PAL
Rating: 15 Certificate
Duration: 84 mins
Video: 1.77:1 Widescreen 16x9
Audio: English Dolby Digital 5.1, 2.0
Director: Mark Hartley
Cast: Roger Corman, Joe Dante, John Landis, Sid Haig, Judy Brown, Jack Hill
Tagline: The Filipino Revolution That Even Marcos Couldn't Crush!

Mark Hartley's previous genre cinema documentary NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD was a super-charged exploration of Australian exploitation cinema, a mesmerizing doc you watch with pen and paper in hand while you jot the names of films you may never have heard but the  film's combination of outrageous film clips and enthusiastic talking heads, Quentin Tarantino most notably, convinced me that these ozploitation films from down under NEEDED to seen, and the sooner the better.

This time out Hartley has aimed his lens on the renegade exploitation films of the Philippines from the 60's, 70's and 80's, these b-movies drive-in shlockers from the Wild East were a genre of film I was completely unfamiliar with. Where as with the slasher doc GOING TO PIECES: THE RISE AND FALL OF THE SLASHER FILM I had seen 95% of those films, it was a greatest hits of slashers cinema but there wasn't much new under the sun for me to discover. With NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD I had at least seen MAD MAX and RAZORBACK but it really opened my eyes to quite a few films and filmmakers that had never popped up on my radar. Enter MACHETE MAIDENS UNLEASHED! - this may as well have been about cult films from the planet Mars, these films were totally new to me. I had only heard of THE BIG BIRD CAGE, that was the extent of my familiarity with any of the films and this was quite an introduction, it's definitely primed my urge to seek these films out in a big bad way.

The film starts with an introduction by director John Landis (AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON) who gives a great definition of exploitation and explains the three "B's"- blood, boobs and bombs. Landis is a cinema nut I could listen to for several lifetimes, he's witty, informed and totally enthusiastic about schlock cinema. The film concentrates on the three major players in the Filipino exploitation market beginning with the director Eddie Romero who brought forth the BLOOD ISLAND series of films and a successful tidal wave of demented and sleazy exploitation flicks. Then came the age of Cirio H. Santiago, a man who's mix of kung-fu action and blaxploitation resulted in T.N.T. JACKSON and SAVAGE, fun stuff, but apparently not a man known for quality filmmaking. John Davison, New World Marketing director observes "once Cirio started producing and directing, I mean, all bets were off in terms of product being half way decent", then recalling Roger Corman screaming into the phone "you really screwed me this time Cirio!" after a particularly disastrous screening, it's hilarious stuff and makes for compelling viewing. The third major Philippine filmmaker was Bobby Suarez, the PT Barnum of Filipino action films, who directed the nun-ploitation schlock-fest CLEOPATRA WONG, whom counts Tarantino among his worshippers, but again, his films were charmingly inept.

The film is as much a documentary of Roger Corman's involvement in bringing the Wild East exploitation to American drive-ins as it is anything else and there's some great interviews with the b-movie master himself, often rebuking allegations immediately following Joe Dante or John Landis chronicling his notoriously schlocky ways. Hearing Alan Arkush and Joe Dante (PIRANHA, THE HOWLING) recollect their time as trailer editors for Corman is priceless, its nearly slanderous, probably true and quite funny. There's interviews galore with b-movie queens, directors and critics. There's plenty of camera time given to director Jack Hill (THE BIG BIRD HOUSE) who seems to have a firm grasp on what kind of films were being made, Aussie Brian Trenchard-Smith (CUT AND RUN) who speaks a bit about the zany stuntmen, working with the Philippine military and explosives "experts" who may or may not have had missing fingers. The interviews with B-movie stars like  Gloria Hendry (SAVAGE SISTERS), Pam Grier (WOMEN IN CAGES), and genre legend Sid Haig (BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA) are chock full of insights and recollections of unsafe sets, shady goings on and just the general insanity of the era, it was like the west of exploitation cinema by all accounts. In a deleted with actress Marlene Clark (THE BEAST MUST DIE) she tells of a near disastrous scene where her character is raped by a group of dwarves (!?!) and during filming the little guys truly thought they were to actually rape her, she had to stop the scene and clarify the situation, that's the kind of sleazy behind-the-scene stuff we get here in abundance, these were mondo psychotronic films made in unsafe conditions without a safety net, really bizarre stuff.

Many of the filmmakers discuss making these films with the full cooperation with the Marcos regime, who were only too happy to supply military troupes and equipment to the productions when they weren't otherwise strafing rebel uprisings, it's such an weird but oddly appropriate setting for these sleazy grindhouse films. Of course, there's mention of Francis Ford Coppola's famously difficult shoot of APOCALYPSE NOW, the largest production ever to shoot in the Philippines, the films is a bit outside the film's sleazy b-movie scope but it felt appropriate, and any excuse for a R. Lee Ermey (FULL METAL JACKET) interview is appreciated and needs no explanation.

At times some of the interviewees attempt to argue that these sleazy, often racist exploitation films, turned out for a buck with a script held together by sweaty breasts, shower scenes and violence, entertained ideas of feminism which John Landis dismisses with no small amount of incredulity, but it's all in fun to me and if some of these b-movie queens felt empowered while they were being raped by dwarves, good for them.  

DVD: MACHETE MAIDEN UNLEASHED! is presented in 1.77:1 anamorphic widescreen with optional English language Dolby Digital 5.1 and 2.0 audio with no subtitle. The film looks great, there's a smorgasborg of the film clips are of varying quality but it's a sharp looking, well edited film. Special features include an entertaining commentary from Hartley and crew discussing the creation of the film, getting access to the cast and crew of the films, and a ton of anecdotal tidbits that make this a necessary watch if you love the film. There's nearly an hour of deleted interviews with John Landis, Joe Dante and Alan Arkusch, Paul Koslo, Marlene Clark, Sid Haig, Darby Hinton and more. They must've been excised for time because these are great bits, including the aforementioned Marlene Clark midget-rape fiasco. There's a fun "The Oath of Green Blood" which is a bit of marketing schlock genius and some test footage of the rather unfortunate creature from UP FROM THE DEPTHS, some Fantastic Fest Q+A audio and a featurette, extensive stills, posters and behind-the-scenes galleries, a theatrical trailer and perhaps the second best feature on the set; a 65 mins 'Filipino Exploitation Trailer Reel' featuring trailers for many of the films featured in the film. The best feature on the set is an honest to goodness Filipino exploitation film directed by Cirio H. Santiago THE MUTHERS (1975) starring the kick-ass Jeannie Bell (TNT JACKSON) presented in 16x9 widescreen. It tells the story of a sea pirate going undercover in a prison camp/coffee plantation. It's a great flick with torture, kung-fu, jungle action, women-in prison elements, and of course, a shower scene and breasts galore. Note, this is the  first time THE MUTHERS has been available in 16x9 widescreen, it's fun stuff. Many thanks to Umbrella Entertainment for stuffing this set with interesting extras that compliment the feature presentation. 

DISC 1 Special Features:
- Audio Commentary with Director and Crew
- More Stories from the Cast (55:49) 16:9
- Filipino Exploitation Trailer Reel (65:54) Letterboxed
- The Oath of Green Blood (1:148) 4:3 Letterboxed
- "Up From The Depths" Monster Test Footage (3:14) 4:3 Letterboxed
- Fantastic Fest Red Carpet Featurette (4:33) 4:3 Letterboxed
- Fantastic Fest Q+A with Roger and Julie Corman, Hartley and Tim League
- Poster and Stills Gallery (100 images)
- Behind the Scenes Gallery (100 images)
- Theatrical Trailer (2:35) 16:9
- Easter Egg: Trailer for RAW FORCE (1:58) 4:3 Letterboxed

DISC 2 Special Features:
-Cirio Santiago's THE MUTHERS (1974) presented in 16x9 Widescreen

Verdict: I came to this film with no knowledge of Philippine exploitation but I walked away with not just a great appreciation for the Filipino schlock of yore but a serious hunger to stuff my eyes with as many of 'em as I can, I would say feed my brain but bringing your brain to these films might prove detrimental. Definitely a fun, fast-paced film that I highly recommend to anyone who loves cult cinema, grindhouse, schlock, exploitation or just plain bad cinema - a MUST WATCH for genre cinema fans. The film has also reaffirmed my love of Joe Dante and John Landis, two genius filmmakers who's love of schlock is contagious. What's next for Hartley? No clue but I for one would like to see him tackle the Italian exploitation films, that would be quite brilliant, wouldn't you agree? 4 outta 5

Umbrella Entertainment's MACHETE MAIDENS UNLEASHED! two-disc DVD can be ordered HERE.

For our Region 1 locked readers I will tell you that US distributor DARK SKY FILMS are releasing MACHETE MAIDENS UNLEASHED! in North America in late July. No special features have been announced thus far. I'm not 100% sure but I do not believe the R1 DVD will include THE MUTHERS either, to which I say GET YOURSELF A REGION FREE DVD PLAYER - there's a world of cinema out there - don't limit your collection.