Saturday, September 22, 2012

DVD Review: SCHOOLGIRL REPORT #8: WHAT PARENTS MUST NEVER KNOW (1974)

SCHOOLGIRL REPORT #8: 
WHAT PARENTS MUST NEVER KNOW (1974) 

Label: Impulse Pictures

Region Code: All Regions 
Rating: Unrated 
Duration: 87 minutes
Audio: German Dolby Digital 2.0 Mono with Optional English Subtitles
Video: 16x9 Widescreen (1.66:1)

Director: Ernst Hofbauer
Cast: Wolf Ackva, Puppa Armbruster, Sandra Atia, Astrid Boner

Synopsis: Those promiscuous schoolgirls are back and more naked than ever, in this eighth installment of the super sexy German softcore series! A two week bus trip to a country hostel turns into a series of crazy sexcapades for some young female students. In a series of eye-and-pants-popping vignettes (a trademark of the Schoolgirl Report series), the girls take us on the ride of our lives and we learn Gisela seduced a worker at her home (watch for a strange “cameo” from Swedish sensation Christina Lindberg here) to open his eyes to the pleasures of lovemaking. Annette is hiding her pregnancy from her parents, because she fears their reaction. A few of the girls turn their prudish Biology teacher from a lame dame, to a boobtastic sexpot. Two skinny dipping teens compare breast sizes as a perverted man swipes their clothes. A beautiful girl dodges huge sticks and balls (on a pool table) as she makes love to her father’s boss to keep him from getting fired and, in the final story, blonde bombshell Evi inadvertently reveals one teacher’s secret after trying to molest him and confess her love.

The Film: The kinky month of SEX-tember continues at the Mausoleum and you dear readers get yet another erotic delight from the purveyors of fleshy freakishness Impulse Pictures. The Schoolgirl Report is a series of films that first popped-up on my radar via the Gert Wilden & his Orchestra: The Schulmadchen Report soundtrack CD which I purchased in the mid-90's, surely for it's erotic cover art. I picked it up on a whim and fell in love with it's swinging 70's sound, punchy orchestral arrangements, fuzzed-out 60's guitar, bongos and wailing bass. I used it as segway music when I was DJ-ing a garage-punk show, it just sounded so good sandwiched between cuts the New Bomb Turks and the Oblivians. So while I was intrigued by the music somehow I never ended up tracking down the films until now. 

What we get here is a bus full of nubile schoolgirls on their way to a hostel somewhere in the German countryside and along the way they exchange lurid stories of the sexual adventures from the previous semester. The structure of the  film is broken down into a framing story and  six adolescent sex fantasies as each girl recounts her lustful story we are taken back in time to relive the tent-in-pants inducing tales. 

First up is the story of Gisela and her seduction of a young gardener Rolf whom is obsessed with jacking-off to a door-sized poster of Swedish sexpot Christina Lindberg. Poor Rolf would rather beat his meat to a girly mag than give-into Gisela's seductions. Eventually she gets her way and Rolf experiences the pleasures of flesh to flesh contact, fun stuff in a you-must-be-joking sorta way, one might assume that a horny 13 year old scripted this sex-comedy nugget.

The worst of the bunch is the tale of Annette and her unintended pregnancy at the business end of med-student's love rod. The gist of the story is how it strains her relationship with her parents - boring. It seems the previous films have a cautionary tale aspect to them and I guess that what we get here and it's pretty awful. 

The best of the bunch in my estimation comes next, students Jutta and Evi are out to get their mousy high-school biology teacher Ms. Steinbach good and  laid and to that end enter into a deal with a lothario named Hans who takes the bet and sets about running-into the educator by truly preposterous means - which goes right back to the idea that a horny 13 year wrote these vignettes. After the initial run-in on the street the stud escorts teach back to her apartment where he gets her drunk on whiskey and before you know it she peels off her clothes like a ripe banana and is transformed from frigid to freaky in the wink of a one-eyed willie, fun stuff. The teacher is one of those poorly disguised sexpots made to look "unattractive" with the addition of horned glasses and a bun, i gotta say that was just more of a turn-on for me.

Up next two busty cousins are skinny-dipping at the lake when they are observed by a pervy old fisherman whom steals their clothes and chases them naked through the woods with their breasts bouncing away in defiance of gravity until they are rescued by two young men whom are also skinny-dipping. Hey, it the 70's - everyone was skinny dipping, right? What I enjoyed about this tale was it's silent-film-esque comedy with physical gags and pratfalls, and the chase scenes had a very Benny Hill Show sped-up film effect which just had me rolling on the floor with sexed-up nostalgia.

Susanne is up next with a tale of how she saved her father's job by screwing his boss whom is much older than she, they fall in love and their relationship runs it's course when age takes it's toll and his back gives out while fucking in a cow pasture. My second to least favorite of the bunch.

The film culminates with the young women (probably all in their 30's in actuality) arriving at the hostel and partaking in a gloriously way-too long shower scene where they are spied upon my the handyman whom they exact a watery revenge on. 


A pretty terrible film but definitely an entertaining sex comedy that's a feast for the eyes, gorgeous German women with heaving breasts, full thighs and lustful thoughts - the kind of women that could only exist in an adolescent wet dream which is exactly what this  is, not based in any kind of reality except the sexy surrealistic fantasy filled mind of an under-sexed teenager - and that's okay with me. Gorgeous 70's women who put most modern beauties to shame with their full figures and ample cleavage, their shapely asses adorned in mini-skirts and go-go boots when they're dressed at all. 

After viewing a few of the dark and more depraved Nikkatsu films recently it was good to get back to some light-hearted and somewhat naive sexual escapades, a feverish adolescent sex fantasy filled with promiscuous European women and their wonderfully hairy bushes, amen

DVD: Impulse Pictures anamorphic widescreen (1.66:1) transfer presents the film in it's original and uncut German language version with newly translated removable English subtitles. The print is not very sharp and does contain some minor print damage throughout - it's not pristine but it is of a quality that does not impede enjoyment despite a rather soft image and looking a bit washed-out. It's a bare-bones affair with not even a trailer, a Schoolgirl Report trailer collection would have been a wonderful addition but nope, nothing. 

Verdict: A rather silly film but when 85% of the film is stuffed with softcore 70's delights one can tend to overlook the adolescent wet dream of a plot. The guiltiest of sex-comedy pleasures and enjoyably so. Fans of the series will be pleased to know that on November 13th Impulse Pictures will unveil the next entry in the series Schoolgirl Report #9: Mature Before Graduation2.5 Outta 5

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